If the left wing's started cancelling stuff
Like the hosts on Fox News said they would
I'll finally get to skip this time
But then Mom says "can you bring the wine?"

She raised me to be law-abiding
But if I'm not there then she'll be crying
Why does no one understand
Our grandma's life is in our hands

It's no big deal, aren't we agnostic?
This Christmas dinner could be toxic
A Hazmat suit won't keep me safe
From being around my uncle's logic

Credit card debt and childhood trauma
Can't quarantine from melodrama
Can we please just cancel Christmas?
Can we please just cancel Christmas?

Christmas should be cancelled
No Christmas this year
Christmas should be cancelled
Cancelled forever
Christmas should be cancelled
Not just for this year
Christmas should be cancelled
Cancelled forever and ever
And ever and ever

It gets so dark this time of year, it
Suffocates the Christmas spirit
I would rather hibernate
Than shop and cook and celebrate

If the left wing cancels Christmas somehow
I hope they don't think they should stop now
I wish that this was a regular thing
Now that would be a reason to sing!

It's no big deal, aren't we agnostic?
This Christmas dinner could be toxic
A Hazmat suit won't keep me safe
From being around my uncle's logic

Credit card debt and childhood trauma
Can't quarantine from melodrama
Can we please just cancel Christmas?
Can we please just cancel Christmas?

Christmas should be cancelled
No Christmas this year
Christmas should be cancelled
Cancelled forever
Christmas should be cancelled
Not just for this year
Christmas should be cancelled
Cancelled forever and ever
And ever and ever

Sarah: Are you getting me something perfect for Christmas?
Greg: I'm terrible...have I ever gotten you a good Christmas gift?
S: I don't remember.
G: You don't remember?
S: I don't remember...I mean...
G: What is even the point!?
Sarah, you love Christmas music, right?
S: No, I hate Christmas music!
G: Really?
S: I hate it so much, it's basically torture.
It's the same six songs on repeat?
G: Do you love Die Hard, as a Christmas movie?
S: Die Hard is a movie that happens during Christmas.
But there's nothing Christmas-y about it, it's a cop-out.
G: What about Love Actually?
S: Ugh. Love Actually is very problematic.
G: Isn't it nice to have traditions?
S: No. Why would you want traditions when the past was terrible?
I have to go to therapy to get over my past, why...
G: Isn't Christmas a nice excuse to redecorate the house?
S: ...yes. [Laughs]